Waiting for Christmas

Waiting for something to happen
waiting for my life to feel complete
waiting for a sign
that all is well

But the only sign is change
Beginnings, endings
beginnings, and ending again

This step leads to the next
This breadth leads to the next
This day leads to the next one

Waiting for Christmas
When I would run down the stairs and presents
would be wrapped in fancy paper

Waiting for the joy
that I felt
the anticipation
The pureness of smiles
the days spent in slippers
and hot chocolate
sitting side by side with my brother

Playing games for the fun of it
Playing games because games were worth playing

loving every moment

Loving my Mom
who put so much effort and energy and life
in to making our lives happy

Love for my father
who sacrificed and lost his joy along the way
but loved us deeply none the less

gratitude for life
running in the snow
to build snow men
and slide down a hill
that was only five feet tall
but we didn't care
Any hill was worth sledding
because life was about sledding

Life was about playing
Life was about the wonder and joy of games
and creativity
rebelling
sneaking out at night
creating fireworks in the parking lot
the mushroom cloud
that rose above into the night sky
fireworks that worked a little too well
as we ran with excitement in the night
knowing that we had broken the rules with gleeful
abandon

When was the last time I lived with abandon
When was the last time
my day wasn't a clearly scheduled, purposeful, practical
exercise in being responsible

What joy it would be to wake up on Christmas again
see the wrapping paper, tear it apart and play